Regret is a feeling that I often try not to associate with, but in the last week it has sat in the pit of my stomach, the middle of my throat, and in the rim of my eyes. Never in my life have I regretted anything more, and there is no one to blame except myself. Right when I thought I was doing well, had a bright future ahead, and was so proud of the person I was becoming I managed to flush all of that down the drain. Who would ever think that the black girl with grey braids that people always say is so "put together," so "confident," so "independent," so "strong," could be the most naive, selfish, and foolish one out of us all?

I know I am not alone. I know I have a ton of people behind me, but that is not who I want or need. But how can I blame them for wanting to leave? There is nothing I would not do to take my actions back. There is nothing I would not do to be able to tell myself that everything I thought I was is wrong; that I have no experience with demons, and that my younger self was right, I never had it bad, in fact I was blessed, but ungrateful. I gave it all up, and there is not a part of me I would not give to take things back.

I fucked up, and if I could I would give up my last breathe to take it back. This is not the life I want to be living, but more importantly, not the life I want them to live. I conclude this as one of my last posts signed with "that girl," because in reality "that girl" would never have done this, and I was never actually her. Just somehow I managed to fake it so well that I got myself and everyone around me to believe it. This is not something I can do any longer. This is my love, and what makes me happiest, but I just took that away from the people who mean the most to me, so why should I be allowed to still have it?

From,

- Trinity 

Italian Sub and Curly Fries

I was confused at first, because it was an out of state number. To be honest I was annoyed at the thought of it being another college that I have never even heard of calling to remind me that the application is tonight, but when I picked up it was my delivery: Italian sub, curly fries, and an orange soda. With no hesitation I ran outside barefoot, because my converse were three shades darker from outdoor practice the hour before. It was pitch dark outside, but one of the many cars with their headlights on must have been storing my dinner that I was longing for. 


"I am so confused. I don't know where I am."

"I think I am behind a library," a library that is totally on the the opposite side of where I was standing outside on the cold and wet cement. I rush over to her rather than have her become even more lost than before, and eventually through several repeated instructions I saw a white bag glistening under the street light. As a scurried over there she was with the bag and bottle I had been waiting for.

"Wow, you are beautiful."

Wait, what? No sorry for the confusion or here's your food? Nope...just "wow, your are beautiful." And there she had done it. She had made my day not only by delivering the soda I shouldn't drink and fries I was about to devour, but sharing one of her little thoughts with me. I was over thinking she was about to judge me for standing on the side of the street barefoot waiting for food, but she surprise me with her comment. I was taken back by not only the "you are beautiful," but the "wow" part of the statement.

Today was the first day in a week I had not cried. Today was one of the many days I wore minimal makeup, so it did sting as much when I expected to cry. Today was just another day, but thanks to the lost delivery girl I was seen a little more than I had felt like I been recently (even in the dark only under the street lights). So thank you delivery girl. I do not know your name and barely remember what you looked like, but wow...you are beautiful too, because your energy and positivity radiates even when you are lost.

From THAT girl,

- T

Xx

Novocaine

I feel like I have been on novocaine for the past 40 hours. I know inside I am dying and any moment now my entire life could change, but I feel like I have cried so much that I am numb to the pain. If there was a limit to the amount of tears you could shed in a week than I spent mine in a matter of two days, and now I just don't even know what to do with myself. It is not that I feel strong and empowered, but only a very little part of me does, but I think I have honestly just ran out of tears to shed. I am unsure of when the restock will happen, but I wouldn't be upset if it took awhile, because I know once it comes I will be out of stock again very soon. 

The only good parts of this is that I am reminded that I am real, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all real and are valid. Although I was a contributor to pushing them away and making myself feel like these feelings were made up, now I know that each and everyone of them is real; something that I thought was never true. However, the scariest part of this is that it cannot stay in my head; it is very much alive right in front of me. It is not something that I can ignore, and let eat me from the inside out. It is not something that I can just deal with on my own without effecting those around me. This is the quite opposite, and that is why I have no idea what to do. That is why I am just going numb. 

From THAT  girl,

- T

Xx

Refill please...

It is like I am watching the horror story unfold right before my eyes. I could not even hold the tears in  before making it to school today, and by the end of the day I have lost count on how many tears I have shed. I have heard my friends be told that they better prepare to clean houses, that kicking out Muslims means more parking spots, and a little girl called a pig. This post won't be long, because I am at a lost of words at this point. I have so many questions, so many fears, so many concerns, and I am trying so hard to stay strong, but every time I think I can get back onto my feet again I feel like someone is kicking me down. Yes, what makes us strong is being kicked down seven times and standing up eight, but standing up and lifting others up is getting exhausting, and that floor is just looking so comfortable right about now. 

From THAT girl in need of a refill,

- T

Xx

Inspiration Going Down in the DMs

Right as I was preparing my bed thinking I felt a lot better after writing a post, I received an Instagram notification. There it was...a message from a freshman girl I could easily point out, one I see frequently each day, but have never really gotten to know her. It read the following...

I could not help but shed a few tears, but these tears were different from the hundreds I have shed all day. These tears were full of joy, happiness, and love. This one freshman girl, who I barely know, made me feel loved, heard, and reminded me that I belong and that I matter. She took time out of her day to realize I was not at school, and it wasn't because she didn't see the black girl with the grey braids. She felt my presence missing, and then she went even further to contact me. I will cherish this message forever.

She has a gift, and it is not a gift for herself, but to those around her. She picks up on the little things and does something about them. Screw the idea that role models are always older. I am the senior here, and this freshman just inspired me to the maximum amount. If she keeps this up she will be moving mountains!

Thank you for reminding me that I matter and am more than just the black girl with colorful braids, because today I woke up and felt the complete opposite. Thank you for realizing I was absent, and even more importantly, taking time out your day to reach out. You are a true gift to this world and we need more people like you. I maybe the upperclassman that is suppose to mentor you, but you completely inspired and took care of me tonight. Thank you for reminding me that I have a responsibility and so much more to fight for than myself. I matter, and so do you!

From THAT girl who was inspired,

- T

Xx

Refuse to Surrender

September 9th, 2001, aka 9/11, may qualify as one of the most horrific days in American history. However, as of this morning people are starting to say that November 9th, 2016 maybe added to the terrifying list. 9/11 left a lot of citizens in terror from people outside our country. As security was increased a ton, so was stereotypes and prejudices against foreign visitors. However, what will our country do now when on 11/09 the person and people that we are scared of is our own POTUS and our fellow countrymen?

Today I protested going to school. It was not a protest against Tabor itself, but rather me saying that I refuse to pretend like everything is okay when my country just accepted the beginning of taking back several groups' basic human rights. One of the biggest gifts Tabor has given me is my pride in not only being black and a girl, but being a black girl. Today I woke up and felt like all that pride was stripped from me. For the first time in my life I prayed to God to make me a white male. I laid sobbing in my bed for two hours asking why I had to fight this fight, why me, why did I have to be born into a body that is one of many targets for my own country. I prayed that not only I would be okay, but the Muslims, the people of color, the females, and the LGBTQ+ community in my life and this country will be okay. 

The problem is not just Donald Trump himself, but much bigger than that; the problem is that in 2016 one man can exemplify sexism, racism, homophobia, and xenophobia and be supported enough to become POTUS. The problem is that these ways of thinking were just accepted not by everyone, but the majority. For those who believe people who are protesting today are just poor losers, please acknowledge hate and fear are different. My tears along with many others within seconds of waking up this morning were not out of hate, but fear for the people I love and myself. I woke up today feeling more unsafe than ever in my life. 

I am trying to be THAT girl about this, but it is so hard. I fear of people I love being taken from me. I fear people I care about being made to feel like they cannot be themselves anymore. I fear that all the courage I have built up to face my abuser has just been drained from my body and overshadowed. I fear that all the dedication I have put into making a more loving and accepting community has been back tracked tremendously. I simply fear how I will be treated from today on, and that justice will become a word of the past. 

All I can say at this point is God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. Yes, it feels so unfair and like we are being crushed under this weight to fight a fight we were thrown into from birth, because of who we are, but that is how it is. It is okay to cry, to feel defeated, to take some time just to yourself. You need to; we all need to acknowledge the wounds that were just inflicted on us, but do not let the fear, anger, rage, or any negative emotions separate us now, because we need one another more than ever. And by that I do not mean Muslims need to stick with Muslims, and Mexicans with Mexicans, and women with women, etc. I mean we all must stick together. If not, we let them win. I know it hurts. I know it's unfair. I know it is ludicrous that in 2016 we feel like we are being set back years, but that is what has been put in front of us. Now it is up to us to surrender or fight the fight, and I don't know about you, but I refuse to surrender. 

From THAT girl who refuses to surrender,

- T

Xx

But Why...

Who is THAT girl? And why am I her? Why am I qualified to write this blog? Well here we go...

THAT girl is the one we all aspire to be. She is the supportive senior your freshmen year of high school, then the unique best friend your sophomore year of college. She is the waitress that owns her job. She is the girl across the road who wears her favorite heels for no occasion, but to feel good about herself. THAT girl loves and supports other girls. She lifts while she climbs rather than just worrying about making it to the top herself. She supports and gives back to her community, because she knows she wouldn't be herself without them. She speaks her truth, because she accepts that not everything is coated in sugar. THAT girl is real and comes with cracks that make her who she is, but also allows her light to shine. I am THAT girl, but why...

I am THAT girl, because I grown into who I am today from one of the lowest parts of my life so far. Only a little over a year ago today I was in one of the darkest periods of my life, and hated not only the reflection I saw in the mirror, but things much deeper than that. Hate consumed me at one point, and for months I could not stand the person I was, but somehow I managed to climb out of the trench I seemed to be swallowed into. 

I took the time to stop and actually see what was going on, really see it rather than just take a short glance. I was able to really reflect on who I was then and how she was not going to be happy on the road she was heading down. From there I decided to change my route. 

It was not easy. Pillow cases were rarely dry for awhile, but with every tear that fell room was allowed for love. I cleansed the soul and started my journey.

Almost a year later I have turned my self reflection, my battle against myself into a war against insecurities, pressures, doubts, false thoughts, etc. and have built the best army, an army of some badass girls. I took my battle and rather fight against other girls and their battles, teamed up and made it our war. 

I am THAT girl, because I joined this fight against not loving our true selves. Its not been a clean cut road. It for sure has a lot of cracks and bumps, and is still going, but it is being with trust, honesty, respect, love, support, and care. And most importantly it is in the direction of a better life.

So simply I am just another girl, but in actuality I matter just like you do. I am here for a purpose just like you. I am learning just like you. I am not perfect, as no one is, but I promise to be honest.

From THAT Girl,

-T

Xx